I had just finished my shower routine and was reaching for my robe when I saw a rather large albino-like spider drop from the hook down into my robe. Aaaaaaak! A spider was inside my robe. That stupid little eight-legged insect was wearing my robe! How dare anyone wear anything of mine without asking first. Now I'm pissed.
Our main bathroom upstairs is in shambles and I'm freezing my ass off because we have to use the bathroom in the basement. All basements are cold NO MATTER WHAT. Especially OUR basement because the morons who finished the basement only bothered to install one, I repeat ONE, heating vent. Yeah, solo uno heating vent for 1000 square feet doesn't do any good at all.
I considered waking up the BSC to come to my aide, but thought better of it. He probably would have given me an obscene finger gesture and rolled back over into bed for waking him up over a spider. Then again, had I gone upstairs sans-robe, I probably would have had his full attention.
So I'm still in the bathroom pissed that a spider has decided to occupy my robe, I'm pissed because I'm freezing cold and I'm pissed because it's too early in the morning to be awake in the first place, and NOW I have to fight a scary beast just to make my morning routine go smooth. Were the cats any help at all either? No, of course not! Benny is only interested if there is food involved, and for him, spiders don't count as food. Simba would usually be all up in my face about eating the offending insect, but even 6:30 is too early for him.
So, I grab my weapon from the toilet paper roll and peak around the robe only to see the little bitch staring back at me with all six of her beady little eyes. She was ready to pounce on me with all of her might. But as fate would have it, I outweigh her by 5000% and won the battle. Yes ladies and gents, I flushed her carcass down the commode. She will never, ever wear my robe again.
Lesson to be learned: Don't ever borrow my stuff without asking first
Brand: Banana Republic
Name: No clue, anyone want to name them?
Color: Brown
Size: 8 1/2
13 comments:
fuck. you just gave me the shivers. i'm sitting here in my office reading your blog and having full body spasms. i would have woke benny up for this. in fact, when a spider crawled into the water while I was taking a bath... that's right INTO THE WATER... i let out a scream that could wake the dead (and benny). he came in all ready with a tissue because he knew before i could even explain the situation that a spider had entered my line of vision somewhere.
call an exterminator, girl. where there's one. there's more.
Yeah, I have a name for your boots: CB
as in Coulda Been...some groceries, or a night out, or maybe even a portion of that laptop I've been wanting. Coulda Been money spent on something useful!
maverick bay. that's the name for your boots. maverick is another word for calf, and bay for brown. i should totally be a boot namer.
also? those people who insist on gently taking spiders outside? whatever. psychos.
i had a hairdresser once tell me that she was too afraid to deal with the spiders so she got out the vacuum and sucked them up the tube... i said "you do realize... their skeletons are on the outside. they probably survive the rollie coatster ride and make babies in the bag, right?"
her expression was priceless.
Nytro - That's great you have Benny fully trained for spider killing duty. On the other hand, my Benny would just look up at me with big huge eyes as if to say "You want me to do WHAT? Hell no, you're here to work for ME bitch! My job is to eat food, use your lap for a bed, and make sleep for you near impossible by squeezing in between you and BSC every night and attacking whatever hand or foot moves under the covers."
Hubby - You'll live. Do you not want me to be happy? Do you want me to cease all the buying of shoes? You committed to love me and my shoes just as I committed to love you and your Sooners.
RM - That's EXACTLY why I don't vacuum up the spiders. I have a bagless vacuum and if I ever saw a spider jump out of the cannister before I had the chance to empty it, I just might have to die right there on the spot. Flushing them is the only option. Although once I killed one by drowning it with several sprays of Windex. That was fun.
I so would have dried off with a towel then beat the living hell out of the robe with a broom, just so I could stand far enough back. Tissue? Nope I'll use a shoe or something much more deadly to kill the beast.
i once killed a spider by spraying hair spray on it and watching it try to walk as it dried and then just stop moving all together. it was wonderfully sick... and then i started to wonder if that's how serial killers got their start. first spiders, then cats, dogs... and then....
i haven't hairsprayed a spider since.
Holy crap almighty!! What - might I ask - is the point of getting married.. if you can't get help killing spiders??? WTH???
Dammit BSC!!
Just Me - I've done that before and had the spider cling to the object I was beating it with. It then crawled up the towel to my hand where I immediately freaked out and smashed it with my bare hand. Upon smashing the bug and hearing the crunch and squirt of spider guts, I had to barf. I soaked my hands in peroxide for two days after that incident.
Nytro - Did the same thing, thought the same thing. Not surprised at all. Have you ever thrown a spider into the fire and heard it scream? I learned that trick on a camping trip with my uncle and cousins. It's quite disturbing.
Holli - Yeah! Thanks for sticking up for me! As long as he's awake, the spider and other such bug killing duties are all on him. But if I wake him up at 6:30 for said duty,
Oops, didn't finish the comment!
If I woke him up, there would be hell to pay. He might just be mad enough to attack my shoe wardrobe. And that, my friend, I am not willing to risk.
BTW - thanks for making me feel better about the Friday the 13th thing.. I'm going to draw from your positive energy!!
Regarding waking up BSC to kill a spider, Nana has slapped Poppy on the chest in the middle of the night while screaming a blood curdling scream because a spider was giving birth in their bathtub. I'm really surprised the man didn't die of a heart attack. I guess it just takes years and years of marriage to beat them down to this point!! PFTZ!!
That cracks me up! I would hate for a spider, or even worse, a ROACH to steal my robe!
julia. your shoes shall henceforth be called julia.
when we moved into our old apartment, there where sugar ants everywhere . . . i would spray them with kitchen cleaner and they would die instantly. but they would also be clean when they died.
i am sooooo afraid of spiders! i always call jon to come kill them for me . . . he laughs at me and then goes ahead and kills them for me . . . what a guy.
you are so brave.
You have more willpower than me to not scream. I wouldn't be able to help myself. when I found the GIGANTIC spider in our garage last summer, what did I do? Scream so loud that the husband came running, and then ran directly to the phone book to call the exterminator. I would have to burn the robe.... :)
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